i need to write

i am too scattered have too much to do, not like i’m overwhelmed just focused and prioritizing the short term money and stability for long term dream scapes

writing seems unimportant but i jus need to remember i don’t have anything to explain, the past isn’t going anywhere

i have thrown myself into multiple situations and relationships without adequete time to heal in between.

the last time i was thinking about moving, it was purely to run away. i had a messy horrible breakup with someone i loved and i just wanted to run. i stayed because i wanted to see what i could make out of the commitment i had made to my city. i wanted whatever was birthed next to come from something real not just an escape.

i have patterns in relationships, the people are all different but i am the same.

i let ppl in too fast and too much, i give away too much of my heart like its nothing, i lose my own identity and get sucked into couplehood.

i have certain tendancies in relationships that are really unattractive to me, like thats not how i want to be. i feel like im always searching to be abused or cocoon myself in a harmful situation, throwing my all in to it.

at the same time i want to fully feel something. i don’t want to be cautious with someone if i love them, i jus want to be all in the feelings with them. i want to be caked up in bed all day, but wait, i need to be serious about my money and motivation too.

i feel like bdsm + polyamory are things that can save me from this. not sure yet how. recognizing i’m in a whole different lifestyle and nothing about my life will ever be normal or make sense to ppl who are outside this lifestyle.

recognizing that everyone in the world could be trying to influence you based on their own wants and needs, everyone has their hustle and is tryna make a $ off u in some way and when ur a sex worker and u make a living from fake relationships based on money– u just have to be about urself, looking out for ur own self, only doing things cuz u want to.

just ask urself over and over what’s in it for me?

^

i am disappointed and here is why. i am accused of being a victim, a criminal, a crook, a destroyer, a shit talker, a saboteur.

^

first, i was in a monogamous relationship with few friends, my friends were moving, leaving, or we were growing out of touch as i got more and more conscious, left the white-centric world.

^

i started volunteering because i wanted to do something but didn’t know what, through the unpaid work i did i built something strong enough for myself to begin leaving the white centric hetero world i was in for something better. i wanted to leave my boyfriend so i was building things for myself. you can’t give up what you have if you don’t have anything else.

^

i broke with him. look i am no good at relationships or sustained involvement with a particular person or group. how can i put it? whenever someone gets close enough it always gets abusive. this is one way that it hurt when you said i had been abusive towards you in the organization –i hadn’t been. i know what abuse is and what it looks like. i was not abusing you with my requests for support, the organization was abusing you by not providing you support. the white men you are in relationships with abuse you by tailoring everything to their own needs and ignoring your needs and the needs of other women in the organization.

^

a timeline: i was fucked up, then i got more fucked up. i got abused, then i couldn’t tell the difference between abuser and abused, between abuse and not abuse.

who did i have in my corner? really really in my corner? no one really. i’m telling you. who is going to help you move? who is going to cook a meal for you when you can’t do it yourself? who is going to care if you’re crying?

i didn’t have it, just didn’t have it, if you have never been in that position you can’t tell me anything about it. i had a little bit but not stability. my deepest relationships were online with people i can’t touch, this is easier for me, less chance of abuse. and when people criticize online community building i wonder do they think of the possibilities it opens for abuse survivors who are “difficult to work with” like me?

^

it has been hard for me to explain this. what if you grew up in a house with two parents conforming to traditional american values and you never saw ur dad hit ur mom? and you always had enough food in the kitchen? and you never got ur christmas gifts or school supplies donated to you? and you always had more, more, more than enough? and you don’t have any student loans and didn’t have to work your way through college? and to this day you know exactly where and who your community is, you have plenty of places you can go where you and your lifestyle is validated?

imagine.

what if you learned from a young age to make urself go away to a different place while daddy was screaming at mommy?

what if home wasn’t safe? what if family didn’t love you and support you unconditionally? what if you didn’t have enough food to eat, but you had to act tough so your younger siblings wouldn’t be scared?

what if no one expected you to college and then you worked to make it happen?

what if there is no safe place for you?

imagine.

^

where did you get the confidence and security to become an organizer, an activist, a public speaker, a public artist?

why don’t you have the confidence and security you need to become an organizer, an activist, a public speaker, a public artist?

^

i didn’t have the confidence but i did it, pushed through. i didn’t have a secure place to speak from except for grounded in an online based community of radical women of color writers.

you told me i was not accountable to the people i worked with. i was honest: blogging was my way of communicating and being accountable, i was so overloaded with work for not enough money to live on that i didn’t “have time” to keep up with my online community, which was my source of strength in the organizing process.

^

our problems started because i needed to take a job, because i didn’t fully sacrifice myself and my well being for the organization to the extent that staff and board wanted me to. i needed a job, i told ya’ll asses i had a training to go to, it is not my fault you didn’t remember and not my fault that all accountability structures in the organization were predicated on people being in relationships with each other and in constant communication via online chat. but i felt bad about it, so bad about it, hated to have left ya’ll with all that work while i had to be working — you can’t and will never understand this if you have someone supporting you other than you.

you had no right to tell me i shouldn’t have taken that job and you should have been real about where it was coming from: you were mad at me for making your friends work so hard. you heard their side of the story because you are friends so you didn’t care about mine.

it was really hard to work with ya’ll under the guise of a loving community of friends when i wasn’t friends with ya’ll, u weren’t friends with me (clearly thought i was weird, crazy, etc), and there weren’t clear efforts to integrate me into this community as a whole person and you weren’t the type of people i would normally ever be friends with.

i let people make me nervous, intimidate me, act like they knew more than me. still i am being treated like someone crazy and stupid without an analysis. don’t be too preoccupied with HOW it is being said to think about WHAT is actually being communicated.

^

self-doubt is a sickness, most women have it. women who are like me don’t work jobs like this. they are in jail, in long-term mental institutions, in fucked up relationships so they have someone to live off of, getting abused so they have someone to love. they don’t have a paycheck. they are joyriding hustling robbing white men for gas money.

they are not organizing for women’s rights or media justice or as part of a “movement”, they organize to stay alive, keep from being homeless, hustle money and they are fierce and they know more about what it takes to organize than someone who learned to organize in college.

^

i burned out, no one cared, i burned out again, i learned who cares and who doesn’t care.

^

i am not going to be a professional organizer when i had all the potential in the world, it hurts me how few people from my organization have reached out to me or said anything about the fact i’m not there anymore but what can i expect? it hurts me that, with all my privileges, this world wasn’t accessible to me and will never be accessible to the women i am accountable to, who i love the most.

^

i am psychic and when you were talking about me behind my back, saying you couldn’t work with me and you wanted me to be asked to leave the organization, acting like everything was cool in person, i could feel it. do you know what that feels like? you made me feel so crazy. i could feel you, you were taking things away from me, how is that okay? how do you imagine urself to be in solidarity with palestinians when you treated me like that?

^

feeling all fucked up and crazy, avoided a queer relationship getting deep into feelings for so long, maybe cuz i can’t deal with the intensity,

two witches fucking in a house together,

we argued slept separately then woke the next morning  both with bumps on our heads, scratches on my chest but we didn’t touch each other

my life is a series of my life is a series of my life is a series of loves a series of distractions a series of unexplainable phenomena science fiction a series of beautiful nightmares a series of secret messages transmitted from ur brain to mine, neither of us meant to but

i’m scared of the storm. i can’t be accountable to anybody. the few people i love enough to fight with. might leave me if we fight. might not love me enough to fight back.

walls don’t protect u they only keep u trapped. i was trusting the wrong people. the people like me in my real physical space too hard to trust, then my girl was like maybe you can’t trust her because u can’t trust urself.

oh right.

i know i am not to be trusted, locked out locked up drugged up interventions restraints forced tranquilizers one more bad decision

i don’t mean to be all doom and gloom everytime i write something but shit is crazy, i have to say it so i don’t gget too crazy

scared to be close with people cuz every relationship gets abusive and i don’t know how to stop it, best i can do is be honest i’m fucked up and crazy never said i wasnt

Tropical Placidus
Standard time
GMT: 12:00:00 Time Zone: -0 hours East

CHAPTER 1 – YOUR LUCK AND GOOD FORTUNE

This chapter analyzes the relationship between the Sun and Jupiter in your chart to provide you with useful perspectives on ways you can invite luck into your life and improve your fortune.

About Sun and Jupiter: What they mean

Your Sun sign describes your purpose in life and your capacity for creativity. The Sun represents your heart, your essence and your engine, the radiant center of your self as you express it in the world. Not only is the Sun the source of light and life on planet Earth, it is also the wellspring of vitality in your horoscope. Considered the luckiest of all the planets, jovial Jupiter graces us with vision, presenting a better future and hope that we can reach it. Jupiter is larger than all the rest of the planets combined. With its 18 satellites in tow, it protects Earth from asteroids and comets by pulling them into its own enormous gravitational field. In this way, it is truly a protector to our planet and us as well. In your chart, Jupiter assists in your life journey with wisdom, perspective and opportunity. The planet of expansion, optimism and good luck, it was called the “Greater Benefic” in ancient astrology.

How You Can Find Good Fortune

Jupiter enlarges your view of the world and enables the Sun to shine its brightest, bringing the good fortune that enables you to reach your highest potential. Of your many roads to emotional prosperity, the path lit by your Sun and Jupiter could be your brightest. Here is your prescription for finding good fortune based on the signs of the Sun and Jupiter in your chart.

You Geminis are curious, talkative, versatile and mentally active. Your mind can bounce around from one topic to another with great ease, making you the champion of cocktail party chatter and lighthearted social encounters. Others will think that you are fun to be with, but your ability to change with the changing winds can also lead others to see you as shallow.

Your motto might be “A rolling stone gathers no moss.” You are the eternally youthful child, no matter your chronological age. A razor-sharp wit can have you verbally dueling with the very best of opponents, who moments later are your best of friends. As you fly through life, don’t forget to take time to smell the flowers.

Element: Air

The astrological element of air represents movement. And the most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Air signs are thinkers. They emphasize the intellect over other functions. With active minds and a good command of language, the air signs are the natural born communicators. They can be light and breezy as the breath of spring, but their words can also carry the power of a gale force wind.

The air of Gemini is always changing direction. First the winds blow one way, then another. It’s a metaphor for how our mind solves a puzzle, first thinking one way and then trying a different approach. This is a restless and searching wind.

House: Third

The Third House symbolizes all aspects of communication — and most communication happens within our immediate environment. Therefore this is also the house of our surrounding. Traditionally, this includes the type of interactions that happen between siblings, whether or not you actually have any. It also represents quick trips and short-distance travel.

Key Planet: Mercury

Mercury, the Messenger of the Gods, moves around the Sun faster than any other planet. He symbolizes our thoughts — not only how we think, but how we communicate. In fact, Mercury is in charge of all language. Mercury is our active and rational mind. It is not only “just the facts” but also what we do with them. As the key planet of Gemini, Mercury is restless and changeable. It drives us to talk and to listen, but not necessarily to action.

Greatest Strength:

Your curiosity about a variety of interests

Possible Weakness:

Distracting yourself from what is most important

i am not fasting, i have too many food and health issues. i am:

1. excersizing every day. changing my body by putting pressure on it because that’s the only way things change.

2. eating at least one real meal each day. cooking for myself and my loved ones. always have food in the fridge i can grab for breakfast before work.

3. reconnecting with my loved ones all over the world. no excuses. work on my network instead of “networking” for the cause. phone cards, emails, webcams, plane tickets, long drives, babysitting, whatever it takes.

4. organizing my own life. at least fifteen minutes of house cleaning every other day. get rid of all the clutter, things i don’t need but have kept because of poor ppls hoarding sickness, get organized, make labels, minimal.

5. regular practice of art making and community art making. not sure what this looks like yet.

–

this is the type of list i would have made in a mental hospital ten years ago, with eight other girls sitting in a group therapy circle supporting each other. got so far from there but have to realize how much it has shaped me and sift through the trauma to find the mental adult daily living skills i need.